Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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