Can Purell be used as lube?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
