dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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