I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
