just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Hippo gnu deer
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
