You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
