1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
