your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
