So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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