Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
