"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
