Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
