Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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