why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
