Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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