I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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