My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
