shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
