so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
