Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm both gender and math confused
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
