i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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