Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
