So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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