I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
