My nipple is on Facebook.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
