and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My dad is sitting where you rode me
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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