textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
