Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
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