I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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