Moan for me like Helen Keller
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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