Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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