I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
she looked like the before picture.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
