i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
