i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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