So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
