my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
