it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
