I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
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