she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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