I wanna passion pit in your ass
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
