he wants to bone in the snuggie
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
