Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
