and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
