So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
