It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
