Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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