We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
