woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
