So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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