Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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